


Newton's Voice

by 1_sad_bean



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 14:21:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9445196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1_sad_bean/pseuds/1_sad_bean
Summary: Hermann never really listened to Newton. It’s much too late and there is cruel irony in play because now Hermann can’t do anything but listen.





	

The silver dictaphone lays on top of Newton’s desk. Hermann sighed quietly, leaning heavily on his cane as he lowered himself into Newton’s chair. He picked up the dictaphone, scrolled past the most recent recording to the one beneath and pressed play, leaning back into the chair. Newton’s voice rang out, slightly tinny. He sounded out of breath.

 “Kaiju human drift experiment, take one. The uh, the brain segment is the frontal lobe um, the chances are the segment is far too damaged to drift with. Unscientific aside, Hermann if you’re listening to this, well I’m either alive and I’ve proven what I’ve just done works in which case Ha! I won. Or I’m dead and I’d like you to know it’s all your fault, it really is you know, you drove me to this in which case Ha! I also won… Sort of. Going in in three, two, one…” Newton gasped in what sounded like pain, indistinct electric sounds crackled and the recording stopped. Silence.

Hermann’s hands were shaking. He put the dictaphone back on the desk and stood up gingerly, favouring his better leg as deep aches ran down the other leg. He took a deep breath and readied himself, he has a funeral to attend and he had no business being late.

 **

 It was Hermann who found the body. It was just after lunch and Newton hadn’t ben seen all day. Celebrations were still going strong two weeks after the Breach had been destroyed. Hermann understood why people were celebrating but all the noise and constant traffic of people in and out of the lab had made it impossible to work. Saving the world had included plenty of paperwork which Hermann kept reminding Newton just to be shrugged off and ignored in favour of another drink. Hermann had had enough and the labs were unusually quiet so he made up his mind to find Newton and drag him to his desk by the ear if needed. After all, it had been mostly Newton’s genius that had led the Jaegers to victory. Newton deserved official credit for that and Hermann would be damned if he was going to let Newton’s over exuberant celebrations rob him of the recognition. Plus Hermann knew he could have his name added to the paperwork, they were after all, a team.

 Hermann marched through the corridors to the K-Science personal quarters and rapped his knuckles on Netwons door. There was no answer so, huffing, Hermann pulled out his phone and dialled. Newton rarely answered his calls but it was all Hermann could do to hope today was an exception. The theme song to a cartoon started playing on the other side of the door, Hermann could hear the phone vibrating on something as it rang. He hung up and banged on the door. “Let me in Geiszler! Open the damn door!” No answer followed. Irritated now, Hermann raised his cane and slammed the base of it into the door, next to the handle. The door shuddered but didn’t move. He swung again. K-Science had been neglected by maintenance over the last few months, their priorities drawn to helping with the Jaegers and as a result, Newton’s dodgy apartment door was never seen to. The second blow of the cane had the door creaking and rattling, the lock beeping for a long moment before unlocking with a green light.

He had expected Newton to come and investigate the noise. To come blustering over and yell at him for breaking into his home but there was no sound, no movement from inside the apartment. Hermann frowned, anger ebbing away as he walked through to look in the bedroom for clues to where is colleague had gone. The air felt wrong.

 Newton was laid on the bed. The sheets were a mess, most of the pillows on the floor and everything was filthy. Rubbish littered the room, food packaging and old clothes scattered about. There were bottles and cans on every surface - from cheap booze to expensive whiskeys. And Newton, in his tight jeans, white shirt and skinny tie. His hair was greasy, his face dirty and the smell was pungent. Hermann didn’t need to look for a pulse, he wasn’t a doctor or a biologist but her knew what he was looking at. He stumbled backwards out of the room and back in to the main corridor. His phone was by his ear before he had fully registered what he was doing. “Help.” He croaked, “I need help.”

 **

 “…thanks to all the Kaiju Blue. But I’ll continue looking at it tomorrow. I’m fucking shattered.” Newton sighed, mumbling something the recording hadn’t picked up. “I just don’t understand! The research was going well, I was making progress but now? Now I’m just looking at the same sets of samples I’ve been looking at for months and getting no answers! The kaiju keep coming but they’re not giving me anything to work with! Fucking fuck it. I hate science. Urgh. Ugh. No. No I don’t. I feel like I’m walking into the same dead end over and over again. What am I doing wrong? What aren’t I seeing? I wish I had another biologist to bounce stuff off. Maybe that would help… There’s no one who could keep up. I’m too fucking smart to be helped. Gotta figure this out on my own. Hermann might be of some help but he’s too busy with that stick up his butt to be interested in some real, physical science. I don’t know what gets him so wound up all the time. It’s like he wakes up and says to himself ‘Oh! Gee whizz! I’ve got to try extra hard to be crabby and to insult Newton today! I didn’t do well enough yesterday!’ I bet he has a posh insult word of the day calendar.” Newton huffs out a laugh and then silence draws out for a long moment. “He must miss Vanessa. She’s so lovely. I would miss her, if I had someone like her.”

 **

 It’s an unseasonably warm day, the sun breaks through the clouds every chance it gets and Hermann appreciates it. There’s not many of the PPDC here for the funeral, all the expendable staff went home as soon as they could after the Breach closed. Many of them had their own friends and family to mourn. Newton hadn’t been popular, he was too loud a personality, too keen on the Kaiju. The service was short and informal. Newton’s body was lowered into the ground and that was that.

 **

 “I’m not oblivious. I know... I know it seems like I don’t notice but I do. I’m not stupid, I have all those fucking PhD’s to prove that. It’s just… The Kaiju they mean something to me, they um, they gave me purpose, you know? I don’t think they’re good or whatever but I was just some nerdy genius kid with no focus before they arrived and when they did, man, it was like something straight out of one of those old Godzilla movies. I felt like they were for me. Sent for me by some weird nerd god. They’re so perfect. Their biology, their behaviour – they’re so hard to take down, they’re the perfect monster. I mean um, it sucks that they’re killing us all and stuff but scientifically, they’re perfect. They’re beautiful. And I don’t have to explain that to every dumb shit that takes offence to my tattoos. I can acknowledge their awfulness as well as their beauty at the same time. It’s my goddamned body, my goddamned science. Stupid fucking m-“ The recording stopped suddenly. Hermann clicked on it, played it again from the beginning.

 He’s not sure why he’s taken to listening to the recordings. He carries he dictaphone almost everywhere with him and once he’s alone, in his study or in bed, he finds a new recording and presses play. Hermann supposes he misses Newton’s noise. With Newton around there was never any quiet and he’d gotten quite used to the constant chattering. Hermann never really listened to Newton. It’s much too late and there is cruel irony in play because now Hermann can’t do anything but listen.

 **

 Vanessa touched Hermann’s shoulder lightly, handing him a cup of tea. She gives him a sad sort of a smile before leaving his office and closing the door. Hermann can hear his daughter, Mia, crying in another room, but he knows Vanessa wont mind if he stays put. He was up all night with Mia and will likely be again tonight. Hermann drinks his tea slowly, looking at the screen in front of him. It was showing a picture of the K-Science team in 2020, when they first moved to Hong Kong. There was only two other scientists working with them at that time, but neither of them could stand to be around when Hermann and Newton bickered so they had no personal relationships with them.

 Hermann and Newton are in the centre of the photograph in the middle or an argument. Newton’s cheeks are pink from shouting, his hands balled up into fists as they hover half way between hanging at his side and being raised to land a hit. Hermann’s neck and ears are red, his mouth wide open at an ugly and he’s pointing his cane at Newton like a weapon. Even for the seconds it would have taken for the photograph to be taken, they couldn’t stop aggravating each other. Hermann sits back in his chair and tries to remember what they were arguing about.

 **

 Newton’s voice is breaking and it physically hurts Hermann to hear it. “I wish… I wish I was fucking stupid like ordinary people are. I wish I didn’t have to know all of this shit about biology and Kaiju and secrets and Jaegers and all that bullshit. I wish I lived a normal civilian life, not knowing anything, being scared of the Kaiju like everyone else.” He drags in a shuddering breath and is then quiet a long moment. “I can’t stand the way they look at me. The way Hermann looks at me. Pentacost and Mako too. They look at me and I feel so small, so stupid. Like I’m a child who doesn’t understand what he’s saying. Like I’m going to grow up and realise all the mistakes I’ve made. I wish I could feel valid. But… I’m not. I’m not valid. I’m a mistake.”

 **

 “-for a Kaiju this low on the Serizawa Scale it’s toxicity is surprising. I need to run some tests after lunch.” There’s some rustling which Hermann can only assume is Newton getting ready to go to lunch, he almost goes for the skip button (Newton didn’t always remember to stop recording which left hours of silence and Hermann didn’t want to sit in silence anymore) but then he hears faintly Newton talking, it takes a moment before Hermann realised Newton’s talking to someone on a phone.

 “Hey! How’re you dude? Did you get my text last night cause you kinda didn’t reply. Uh… yeah I… yeah I know, I… Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m sorry babe, okay? Y-yeah. I know. It was stupid of me. Yeah. I’ll make it up to you. Anything you want, no whining or crying or anything. Yeah… Yeah I know I owe you baby. It’s okay. I know… Yeah. I’ll see you later, I need to get on with work. Ah no. No I wasn’t! Promise! I don’t have anything anymore, I just stay in the lab. Make use of the peace while Dr Gottlieb gets his lunch. No, I wouldn’t lie! I’m sorry okay! I promise, I’m not having any lunch. I’m waiting till I see you. I promise. Not eating a thing. I swear. Baby… Look, I need to go, Dr Gottlieb is back and I need to get back to work. Can’t be yapping and disturbing the peace now can I? Yeah. I-” Newton sighs and there’s a clatter of him putting his phone down. “I love you.” He finishes. It was clear that Hermann hadn’t returned to the lab. There’s the familiar sound of chair legs scraping across the floor as he gets comfortable at his desk. Newton starts speaking again, this time much clearer.

 “There’s that song from years ago. It goes ‘He hit me and it felt like a kiss.’ I know William isn’t, you know, a good guy. But… he looks after me. Sometimes. It’s nice to have someone who can stand to be around me for a little while. He… he doesn’t always listen to me or pay attention but that’s okay cause I can be a lot you know? I’m a handful at the best of times. But when he grabs me and kisses me it’s like everything else goes away while he’s touching me. I knows when I need to be touched, even if I don’t. He knows when I tell him to stop that he needs to carry on. He knows better than I do, he’s good with people, he understands. It’s not always… comfortable but nothing is comfortable. Not really. It’s better for me to let him do what he wants. Then I can be better. Like him.” He recording stops and Hermann feels sick.

 **

 Newton only mentions William once or twice more until there’s one last mention of him and he’s not mentioned again. Newton sounds distraught. “Fuck him. I can’t believe he’d just ditch me like that! I knew he had other guys on the side, I told him I didn’t care! I know he needed more than I could give him! He didn’t need to leave me! I depended on him! Fuck him. He’s-” but whatever William was Newton couldn’t say it, instead sobbing quietly for a long few minutes before the recording cuts off.

 **

Hermann had only listened to the last recording once. It was the same day he had found Newtons body, hours later sat in the lab, wondering how to tell Newtons family that he was dead. Hermann had started out sat at his own desk, but his feet pulled him across the dividing tape on the floor to Newtons area. He’d dropped down into the chair at the other’s desk and the dictaphone was laid in the centre of the desk. Newton had cleared his papers and neatly organised them. There was a folded piece of paper under the dictaphone and the sight made Hermann’s stomach lurch. He didn’t want to read Newton’s suicide note. He didn’t want the infuriating idiot to be dead. It took him a long time, perhaps an hour before he finally lifted up the dictaphone and unfolded the note.

_I’m not sorry._

_I waited until I saved the damn world_

_This is the only reward I want_

_I don’t know why I’m writing a fucking note, I made a recording anyway_

~~_I don’t know_ ~~

_Everything is wrong_

Hermann puts the note down a lot harder than he meant to and grabs the dictaphone, jabbing at the play button. It takes him a moment to understand how to get it to play the newest recording but when he does Newton’s voice rings out loud and clear. He’s shouting and he sounds furious.

 “I saved the fucking world! I mean the Jaegers saved the world and Hermann plugged in with me but fuck it! It was me! I drifted first with the Kaiju even though everyone said no! I saw the fucking answers! I saved the goddamned world! And there’s nothing!! Nothing!! That can take that away from me! Why did they have to fucking die? It’s not fair! They were so damned close, I gave them the answers they needed! It’s not fair! The drift is closed! Humankind is safe from Kaiju!” Newton stops, breathing harsh and ragged.

 “I’m killing myself after I’ve recorded this. I’ve wanted to do it for years now, never… never got around to it I suppose.” He laughs, but the sound isn’t anything like joy.

 “I’ve hated, god, I’ve hated everything for so long. Even the damned Kaiju. I’ve worked so hard, pulled myself together every damn day so I can carry on working and do my part to help stop them. And I’ve done it. My mind is absolutely made up, nothing can stop me there’s nothing to be done. I’ll be dead by tomorrow. I can’t stand the thought of going home, not to America, not to Germany. Of going to all the funerals and memorials for people killed by the Kaiju. How can I stand next to their friends and family when I’m covered in pictures of the monsters? What would I do for work now? Teach? Fuck no. I’d be so bored, it would be a fucking awful life. The Kaiju were my purpose in life. They’re why I was put here on Earth, they were my destiny and I’ve fulfilled that destiny. I’ve come out of this war with no friends, no family who’ll look at me, no real home. Nothing but my skin and a bunch of stained shirts.” Newtons breath hitches and when he carries on, his voice is thicker.

 “I’ve disappointed so many people. I’ve let myself be used. I’ve become worthless. Even with everything I know, all that I’ve studied isn’t enough to make up for my failings as a man, a human. I’m clingy and needy. I’m too much to deal with for anyone. Even the assholes who fucked me couldn’t stand to be with me for any longer than necessary. I’m this blurry shape in the mirror. When I look at myself… god. I see everything that’s wrong. I’m… vile. I’m arrogant and rude. Hermann thinks I’m ridiculous, Pentecost wishes he’d never wasted the money on hiring me. Tendo think’s I’m disgusting. God. My own therapist left a voicemail saying I ought to find someone else because she was sick of me. I’m… well I’m a lot of things.

 Do what ever you want with the research. Publish it, burn it, file it. I don’t care. My family won’t care that I’m gone and they definitely wont want any of my shit so just give it away or something. Tell Hermann I’m sorry for being a gigantic thorn in his side for so long. I… no. That’s it. I’m sorry for being such an insufferable asshole. I’m Dr Newton Geiszler.” The recording stops. Hermann puts down the dictaphone, rests his head in his hands and cries. 

**Author's Note:**

> The song Newton references is Lana Del Ray's Ultraviolence.


End file.
